The child welfare community is increasingly aware of the value of collaboration between resource families and biological families. According to the Child Welfare Information Gateway, this kind of healthy cooperation can “promote family engagement, sibling connections and long-term relationship development and preservation” and also “increase the likelihood of successful reunification.”
Those are all clear benefits for children and biological families. I’ve found positive relationships with biological families have significant benefits for me as a resource parent as well. The whole process is less stressful and more satisfying. Parents are more likely to remain in contact following reunification and less likely to suspect maltreatment when their child has a skinned knee or bump on the head. They are also more willing to share information to help me care for their child and to support their family.
But how do we create such a relationship, especially when we begin as strangers and are usually brought together by crisis and trauma? I’ve found a few simple strategies undertaken at the beginning of a relationship helps set a tone of mutual respect.
1. Contact a child’s biological family quickly - within the first day or two, if possible.
Some agencies have practices in place to facilitate this, but many don’t. In our state, the first parenting time is supposed to happen within 72 hours of removal. In our experience, it never takes less than 10 days. That’s an eternity to a child missing their parents and for parents wondering what has happened to their child. In the absence of any serious safety concerns, consider asking your caseworker to give the biological family your email address or phone number and invite them to contact you. If you have concerns about sharing contact information, use a virtual phone number or email address without any identifying information.
This invitation sends a dual message: you are prepared to work with the biological parents and you understand parents and kids need each other. This strategy also helps avoid having first contact in highly stressful situations, such as court hearings or case meetings. Some caseworkers assumed we’d be reluctant to have unsupervised contact so wouldn’t suggest it. They were always relieved when we were proactive about getting in touch quickly. The COVID-19 pandemic may also have been instrumental in moving the needle on this issue. After the necessity of virtual parenting time and other contacts, many professionals have become more comfortable using virtual tools to facilitate connections between resource and biological families. These tools are also an option if a parent is incarcerated or receiving in-patient treatment when their child comes into care.
2. Start with a compliment. Every child has strengths, skills and positive qualities. As part of your first contact, tell parents what you like about their child. These are examples from children we have cared for.
“He has a great laugh. It makes me laugh when I hear him.”
“She has such beautiful manners. I can tell you have taught her to be polite.”
“He built an amazing block castle last night. We were all impressed.”
This practice helps me focus on a child’s strengths from the very beginning and reassures parents that I see the good things about their child and family.
3. Ask respectful, child-focused questions. I ask about allergies, medical history and needs, faith-related practices, school contact information, important relationships besides parents, daily routines, sleeping habits, and favorite foods, media, colors, toys and activities. I also ask open-ended questions, such as, “Anything else I should know?” These kinds of questions show parents that I understand they are the experts on their child and want to support their parenting.
Parents also give me very useful information. I discovered one boy didn’t like mint (thanks, Colgate, for making watermelon toothpaste). For one little girl, bedtime went more smoothly when I learned she always listened to the same song before going to sleep. In two instances, I was able to keep previously scheduled medical appointments and maintain care with familiar providers. Another time, contact information for one little girl’s grandparents helped her keep in touch. She was thrilled to talk to them the second day she was with us.
4. Be clear and explicit in your support of reunification. Some parents may know nothing about the child welfare system. Others might have prior negative experiences with child welfare. In either case, the process can be confusing and frightening. For some, it may feel like everyone is trying to take away their children. So, in that first conversation, I explain our roles and goals. “My family is here to give your daughter a safe place to be until she can go home. I don’t make that decision, but I hope that will happen very soon. In the meantime, we’ll love on her and try to have some fun too.” I also want parents to know that, unlike case professionals, it’s not my job to judge their parenting skills. This gives me a unique opportunity to be a cheerleader for any and all of their efforts.
Without giving away any identifying or confidential details, I sometimes share information about children we’ve cared for in the past who have successfully reunited with their biological family. Hearing about other children who have returned home, and that we were happy to see them back with their families, encourages parents at the beginning of the process.
5. Let parents ask you questions. If my child were being cared for by strangers, I’d want to know something about them. As part of our first conversation I ask, “Is there anything you want to ask me?” Parents sometimes ask about my family, our routines and our activities. While I was initially careful about the information I shared, I was happy to tell them about my household and give a snapshot of what kinds of things we do as a family. I try to remember that I know some rather sensitive things about their family. Letting them know basic information about us helps build trust and makes the relationship seem more balanced.
Often parents have questions about the child welfare system or their case. When I know the answers, I share them. When I didn’t, I suggest whom to ask. Sometimes, I email the question to a caseworker or guardian ad litem and copy the parents on the email.. This helps parents know I am willing to advocate for them and for their child.
As resource parents, we can’t control how biological families will feel or act toward us. But a thoughtful effort at the very beginning to be helpful and respectful can go a long way toward establishing a positive relationship which benefits everyone, especially the children we care for.
A version of this article appeared in the Mar/Apr 2022 issue of Fostering Families Today.
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