Helping Permanent Children Thrive in Your Fostering Family
“I thought about becoming a foster parent, but I decided I didn’t want to ruin my kids’ lives.”
Truthfully, those weren’t her exact words, but that was the sentiment. I had run into an acquaintance at the store a few months after we started fostering. She asked about the addition to our family. When I explained, she recounted all the worries she would have about fostering. What behaviors would kids in care expose her kids to? What if they demanded so much time she didn’t have any left for her own children? What if the kids resented being treated differently? What if her children got so attached to their foster siblings it was traumatizing to say goodbye? Worst of all, what if foster kids victimized her children?
My husband and I had considered all these concerns, and more, before we signed up for our first training course, which we expected would cover these issues. We were wrong. In 30 hours, not one single bullet point addressed the issue of kids already in the home. When we asked our trainers what the research says about the impact of fostering on our kids, they were happy to share their experiences, but couldn’t provide any relevant research. That was probably largely because the research is sparse and limited. Studies have been infrequent enough that the child welfare community hasn’t even agreed on a term for referring to these children. For the sake of brevity, and to honor the fact that these kids could be biological children, stepchildren, children previously adopted, or other children for whom parents care, I will use the term “permanent children” in this article.
A couple of dozen papers have been published, but they are problematic for several reasons. Nearly all are qualitative and subjective, use small sample populations (usually fewer than 20 participants), are spread over a dozen countries and four decades, are retrospective, and don’t employ any control group. As a community, we still have no data about how often permanent kids are abused by foster kids or vice verse, or if fostering will increase a permanent child’s risk for developing depression, or abusing substances, or other outcomes parents worry about.
Nevertheless, taken collectively, the body of literature now represents the experience of hundreds of families, and researchers have begun to identify common themes and suggest strategies for supporting permanent children. The following suggestions to help permanent kids thrive are based on these themes and our experience fostering, including our mistakes.
Educate permanent children about why you are fostering and how the process works. Whether they buy into your motivation or not, sharing your “why” helps your permanent kids start to develop their own narrative about their experience. Explain the reasons that kids come into care in clear, age-appropriate, and non-judgmental language. Even young children can understand that a parent who is in jail or abusing drugs can’t safely care for a child. Vague phrases like “their parents can’t take care of them right now” might leave children worried that any child might be removed for the slightest reason. In one family we know, after several months of fostering, their 5-year-old permanent child asked when she would have to leave. Be sure children understand that, as a fostering family, we are trying to help families stay together, not pull them apart. Often, successful reunification is the outcome. Sometimes it isn’t, but either way, foster care isn’t forever. Also explain the role of all professionals, so kids won’t worry that a professional is judging them.
Safeguard some time, space, and things for your permanent children. Parents will inevitably be spread thinner when fostering. Figure out each permanent child’s highest priorities for preserving some routines and time with parents. For one of our permanent kids, it was bedtime. For another, it was monthly one-on-one outings. Sometimes our permanent children took turns accompanying me on parent visits. After dropping off, I had a couple of hours alone with my permanent child. If there are events that parents must miss, perhaps a grandparent or other important adult could substitute. Also give your permanent kids a space to go if they need a break or ever feel unsafe. If they are sharing a bedroom, create a refuge elsewhere. And while most things in a household get shared, all kids should be able to keep a few special things safe and for themselves. You might need to pack some things away or get a locking box if you care for children who are destructive when they dysregulate.
Always give permanent children a voice, but grown-ups should own the decisions. Fostering will impact your permanent children, both positively and negatively. Recently, our 16-year-old permanent daughter cuddled on the couch with her 3-year-old foster sister and said, “I think I was born to be an older sister to a little girl.” My heart melted. A few days later, the same older daughter glared at the same younger daughter and said quietly, “You ruin lots of things for me.” Not as heart-melting, but just as real. Create opportunities for your permanent kids to express their thoughts and feelings whether they are positive or negative. Permanent kids may be afraid of adding to their parents’ stress by telling them what they are really thinking. Or they may feel they have no right to complain because their problems are not as bad as those of their foster siblings. If their feelings get expressed inappropriately, correct kindly. Remember, we’re asking a lot. Solicit their thoughts about which children to welcome into the family and how to handle difficult situations, but be clear that parents and professionals are responsible for those decisions. Permanent kids shouldn’t feel responsible for how children and families are matched or for solving their foster siblings’ problems.
Don’t parentify your permanent kids. Caregiving can be a valuable way for permanent kids to connect with foster siblings, but it should be on their terms. One of our permanent kids likes helping younger chldren pick out clothes. Another likes to do art with kids. When they initiate it, we support it, but we don’t ask them to be the parent. Once a 5-year-old boy completely dysregulated and bolted out our front door. I was holding two crying 1-year-olds, one in each arm. My teenage daughter chased the boy down and brought him home. I knew we were in over our heads and needed help. I never wanted to put a permanent child into that kind of situation again. Teach permanent kids what to do if a foster child discloses abuse or talks about past trauma. They should know that keeping secrets is harmful to themselves and their foster sibling and that it’s not their job to fix problems. Trained grown-ups are much better equipped to help a child recover from trauma.
Help your permanent kids cope with the end of a placement. Whether you have two weeks or an hour notice, parents can help kids say goodbye. They could write a note, take a goodbye picture, exchange stuffed animals or other keepsakes, or whatever would be meaningful to them. Be honest about whether they can expect contact after the child leaves your family. Remember that your relationship with a foster child’s biological family will impact this. After a child leaves, help your permanent children recognize and express aspects of grief. Consider whether your permanent kids need a break before accepting a new child. And if your permanent children are happy or relieved that a child has left, that’s fine. Validate those feelings too.
I believe the positive outcomes of fostering have outweighed the negative outcomes for my permanent children.Even in the absence of research to support that perception, foster parents can do a lot to help tip the balance toward the positive.
For a helpful literature review, see The Impact of Fostering on Foster Carers’ Children by Ingrid Höjer, Judy Sebba and Nikki Luke, 2013. Available as a free, downloadable PDF here, this booklet combines findings from nine studies into a readable discussion.
A version of this article first appeared in the May/June issue of Fostering Families Today.
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