As a new foster parent, I sat on the floor with a four-year-old boy who had joined our family just days earlier, playing with a construction toy. He struggled for a minute to connect two parts of his building before finding a solution.
“Nice,” I said. “That was a clever way to put those together.”
“What does ‘clever’ mean?” he asked.
“It means smart or good at figuring things out.”
A few days later, as we pulled out the same toy, he said, “I’m clever at this.”
The experience was a good example of the power of praise. Research in both family and classroom settings has shown that praise can help boost children’s self-esteem, perseverance, engagement, and prosocial behaviors, such as sharing, cooperating, and giving comfort. These outcomes are good for all children but especially important for kids who have experienced abuse and neglect. Research has also given caregivers some insights into what kind of praise is most helpful to kids and a few cautions about what to avoid.
Be sincere. Above all, children need to know that you mean what you say when giving praise. Praise that is unearned, perfunctory, or over the top can send a message that you aren’t paying attention or are trying to manipulate a child with your praise. A heart-felt, “I love the colors you used. Did you know that blue is my favorite color?” helps create connection. “That’s the most beautiful painting I’ve ever seen!” will sound patronizing. Kids will also quickly pick up on praise that is consistently linked to a specific behavior. For example, if most of your praise is linked to chores, it will feel like manipulation, not admiration.
Be careful about giving praise for things that kids can do easily. For example, you probably showered praise on your two-year-old for using the potty. You wouldn’t do the same for your ten-year-old. The same logic applies to other situations. Remember, however, that a simple “thank-you” is always appropriate for responsibilities fulfilled or help given.
Be specific. “Good job” or “nice work” are good, but praise that tells a child exactly what you admire or appreciate is much better. One way to do this is by identifying the positive behavior and then telling your child what you think or how you feel about it. “You stayed calm even when your brother got angry. I’m really proud of you.” Or try “I like to hear you sing. It makes me feel happy.”
You can also try naming a positive quality that the child’s behavior demonstrated, such as kindness, helpfulness, patience, generosity, determination, responsibility, etc. You might say, “Thanks for sharing with your sister. That was really kind.” Like my four-year-old, your child will start to incorporate those qualities into their beliefs about themselves.
Focus on effort and growth. Praise that focuses on innate abilities might lead kids to think their worth is tied to their performance in a particular area. If they struggle with that skill in the future, they may abandon it rather than risk failing. Praise that focuses on effort rather than ability teaches children that they can improve skills with practice and helps them stay motivated when things get challenging. Instead of saying, “You’re a real math whiz,” you could try, “Good job on your math quiz. Your studying is paying off.”
Give praise quickly. Noticing the things that kids do right away and commenting on it immediately helps reinforce positive behaviors and shows kids that you are paying attention.
Don’t be directive. Using praise to tell a child what to do sounds insincere or critical. Saying, “Your room looks great. You should keep it this clean all the time,” is more complaining about the messy room than complimenting the clean one.
Avoid comparison. Avoid comparing your child’s abilities and accomplishments to others. “You play the best defense of any kid on the team,” might be true this season, but your child might lose motivation when a better player joins the team next season. They also might believe your approval hinges on them being the best at something and become fearful of losing your respect. They may also avoid that activity rather than risk losing their status as “the best” at something.
Be creative for children who dislike verbal praise. Some kids, especially kids with a history of trauma, may bristle at public or verbal praise. This is also more common among adolescents than younger children. They might feel embarrassed or not know how to respond. Children who don’t trust adults might be suspicious of your motives. Other kids might be trying to keep emotional distance and don’t want to show that they care what you think.
Respect this but be creative in sending your child positive messages. Try written notes or texts. Let your child overhear you telling your partner, a friend, their caseworker, or their biological family about the great things they are doing. Maybe just a high five or a pat on the back will be welcome. Learn an affirming phrase or two in sign language that you can use when words might be uncomfortable. Keep trying. Your child needs to know how much you respect and admire them.
The greatest benefits of praise may for the caregiver. Remembering to give praise helps me recognize and celebrate all the things that my children do right, all the times they persist even when something gets challenging, and all the efforts they make to express the best and most beautiful parts of themselves. It helps me love them better in the ways they need me to love them. The benefits for my children are the icing on the cake.
A version of this article appeared in the Jan/Feb 2021 issue of Fostering Families Today.
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